I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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