apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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