the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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