Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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