Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
