I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Is this like a preordered booty call?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize