I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
