There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
