Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
