Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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