Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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