Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
