I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
