My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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