She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
