How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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