Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
