I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
