Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
