i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
