i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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