In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
