all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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