Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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