I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
