sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
