My friends, they love my intelligence
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
