i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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