I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
