i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize