He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
