The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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