I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
