I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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