i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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