I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
