I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
