Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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