I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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