Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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