a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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