Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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