he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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