did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
