don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
