my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
