we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
