You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize