This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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