My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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