So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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