The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
