I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Randomize
