Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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