Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
