can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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