Christians are straight up FREAKS
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
