I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
