So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
