So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
