remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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