so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
