You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
