We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
please come you make the beer taste better
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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