party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
third nipple confirmed
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
How naked do you want me to be?
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