I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize