you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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